Transformers: The Last Knight

Dir: Michael Bay

2017

*

While I’ve had little enthusiasm for the Transformers franchise (the films, not the toys, I loved the toys!) I’ve seemed to be glutton for punishment and always give them a go, hoping that my beloved friends would shine on the big screen, like they did on the floor of my childhood bedroom. Steven Spielberg suggested (and produced) the films after an advertising agency made a special-effects heavy Transformer-style ad for a popular car during the mid-00s. The effects people could clearly make a robot turn into a car, and a car into a robot convincingly, the brand had a huge following and there are always toys to be sold, so it was a no brainer, and even the least nostalgic and most sceptical looked forward to it. I’m the first one to admit that the special effects were always the most important aspect of the films, although the story had to be right. The special effects have been second to none thus far and Transformers: The Last Knight is no exception – for most of the film anyway. I think the stories got more interesting from the third film onwards but unfortunately, everything else got worse. I liked the whole ‘dark side of the moon’ thing in film number 3 and I loved how they got Buzz and Armstrong in as cameos, and I was super excited about seeing my beloved Dinobots in chapter 4 – something I thought I’d never see on the big screen, but both films were awful and suffered from the exact same things that pretty much everyone agrees has been wrong with the series from the very first film. There is a massive quantity/quality issues. The quantity issue is pretty obvious I think – there is just far too much going on at any one time. Transformers: The Last Knight, like the other four films that came before it, goes at a dizzying breakneck speed and feels like a story that an overactive child might think up. Now in some regards that’s quite apt. I remember playing with by Transformers as a child and they would be fighting each other one minute and falling to their doom (the bath) the next without any tangible reason. The magnificence of child’s play – but this isn’t the same thing, and sadly if Transformers: The Last Knight had been made when I was at the peak of my Transformer obsession, I would have been far too young to be allowed to see it. That’s Michael Bay’s first crime. The Transformer films are now all about ticking boxes. Optimus Prime pops up just when he’s needed, check – the film ends with a big floating spaceship that everyone needs to get off before it explodes, check – the good guys get a new side-kick, check, the bad guys get a new ‘wise-talking’ side kick, check, Megatron turns up with upgrades, check, must save the world, planets, cybertron, etc etc. There is nothing new, exciting or particularly memorable about the people, robots or story. I can’t remember much about either film, not least the one I saw just last night. There was never a ‘Knights of the round table’ series of toys, this is an entirely new idea form Akiva Goldsman – one of my least favourite writers in Hollywood today. It’s an intriguing idea for the first couple of minutes but is quickly ruined by Stanley Tucci’s wise-cracking Merlin. This sets the tone and brings me on to the quality issue. Pretty much every scene is ruined by the terrible humour and muddle of overall tone. Nothing every works in unison, in fact, there are a couple of scenes where the film attempt to mock itself, then follows up with a scene that it mocked a few minutes later. It suggests that either the writing is half-hearted, that no one making the film really cares anymore, or that it is being made by the most inept film makers working today – which I don’t think they are. I think they don’t care anymore. Bigger, better, stronger. If you keep repeating those three words to yourself you’ll begin to convince yourself of anything but if Transformers has achieved anything, it is that for once, professional critics and casual audiences agree – there is very little quality at play here. Mark Walberg wants out of the franchise and it looks it in every frame he’s in. Anthony Hopkins, what are you doing? They have the mighty Peter Cullen – a huge fan favourite, but all they ever seem to get him to say is ‘I’m Optimus Prime’ over and over. There is nothing new on offer, other than more of the same, much much more. As a Brit, I found all of the scenes in the UK most troubling. Firstly, if you’re flying from America across the North Atlantic to Stonehenge in the UK (presumably in a straight line, because you’re in a hurry to save the world), you won’t fly over the White Cliffs of Dover – unless you’re terribly lost. London is not next door to Oxford and Oxford University is not in London (it’s in Oxford). Even if you’re no familiar with London, it is clear to see in several scenes that the Transformers are going up and down the same road several times (The Mall opposite Buckingham Palace). It was sad to see four great women of British television subject themselves to one of the worst scenes/scripts of all time in a scene set up around the film’s dismal would-be heroine. Maggie Steed, Sara Stewart and Phoebe Nicholls have made some amazing TV, what on earth are they doing here. I most disappointed in Rebecca Front though, I know money is always useful but I thought she of all people would have been better than that. Actually the whole cast are better than this worthless sensory overload. Cogman, Anthony Hopkins’s robot butler (voiced by Jim Carter) looks superimposed, older actors are made to swear unnaturally, the film’s only woman is slutty (again) and Bumblebee should be a Volks Wagon Beetle damn you Michael Bay!!! Okay, so its a mindless action film - nothing wrong with mindless action films, in fact, I love mindless action films sometimes, just as long as they don't try to do serious at the same time as light-hearted, it just never works. The film makes a point of undermining history and science, and it looks stupid doing so. I like fantasy but seriously, I think I came up with a similar story when I was eight years old. It's a dead franchise, beyond rebooting. It just needs to stop. The difference between Transformers and an Asylum-style rip-off b-movie is money but at least The Asylum are open about what they're doing.