She's the Man

Dir: Andy Fickman

2006

*

While Andy Fickman’s 2006 comedy She’s the Man isn’t completely devoid of humour, it is still fairly awful. However, a few elements – mainly the performances – make it not as awful as it could have been. Just to confirm though, it is still quite awful. It is based on 1985’s Just One of the Guys which was an updated version (of sorts) of William Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. School killed Shakespeare for me as a child, not because its bad or because I don’t like it, but because we had to analyse it to the point where we couldn’t care less about it. We didn’t read any of the good one’s either like Macbeth, Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet, we read Much Ado About Nothing, Twelfth Night and all the ones where a girl dresses as a boy to get close to the man she loves. Funnily enough the suggestive homosexuality wasn’t addressed in the Catholic school I went but pretty much everything else was. I hate it. It is only as an adult that I have fallen in love with Macbeth, Othello and Hamlet. I think there is a lot to be said for the theory that Shakespeare’s work as we know it is in fact the work of two separate men but I digress. If the Twelfth Night Shakespeare were alive today and working in Hollywood, She’s the Man is probably the sort of thing he’d be filming. I’m outraged by poor adaptions of Shakespeare’s good stories but Twelfth f*ing Night is fair game as far as I’m concerned. The film centers on teenager Viola Hastings (Amanda Bynes) who plays for Cornwall College’s soccer team until the team gets cut. Meanwhile, her twin brother, Sebastian (James Kirk – great name, well done his parents), is supposed to enroll in Illyria, an elite boarding school, but he secretly goes to London with his fledgling band instead. Viola agrees to cover for him and decides to pass herself off as him, in hopes of joining their boys' team and beating Cornwall to prove their coach and her cocky ex-boyfriend, Justin (Robert Hoffman), wrong. With the help of her stylist friend, Paul (Jonathan Sadowski as an unfortunate stereotype), she is transformed into "Sebastian" and attends Illyria in his place. We’re not supposed to let the fact that neither twin looks anything like each other bother us and to be totally honest, it really didn’t. While moving in, she meets her roommate, Duke Orsino (Channing Tatum), an attractive soccer player and Illyria's team captain. During tryouts, Viola fails to impress Coach Dinklage (Vinnie ‘shut it you slag’ Jones – who was in fact a football (sorry, Soccer) player back in the day my non-English readers) and is assigned to second string, much to her dismay. Her teammates, including Duke, initially dislike "Sebastian" due to his awkward and strange behavior. However, with help from Paul once again, they begin to accept him into their social circle. "Sebastian" then gets the popular and pretty Olivia (Laura Ramsey) as his lab partner, which frustrates Duke, as he has feelings for her. "Sebastian" agrees to put in a good word for Duke if he promises to train him to be a better soccer player. Coach Dinklage eventually notices "Sebastian's" effort and improvement, thus promoting him to first string. At the Junior League carnival, where her mother has made her volunteer, Viola works a shift at the kissing booth (cold sores ahoy) and shares a kiss with Duke. Duke expresses to "Sebastian" that he might move on from Olivia as he is starting to like Viola now. Viola is delighted as she secretly feels the same way. Olivia who now has a crush on "Sebastian", asks Duke out on a date in hopes that it will make "Sebastian" jealous. Viola, who is unaware of Olivia's true intentions, is enraged instead because Duke has now abandoned his interest in Viola. When Viola finds out the truth, she encourages Olivia to tell "Sebastian" directly about her feelings.The situation becomes even more complicated when the real Sebastian returns from London a day early, unbeknownst to Viola. As soon as he arrives at Illyria, Olivia confesses her feelings and kisses him. Duke, seeing this, believes his roommate has betrayed him. When "Sebastian" returns to their room, the two have an argument and Duke kicks him out. Viola oversleeps and misses the first half of the game, while the real Sebastian is mistaken for "Sebastian" and winds up poorly playing his sister's game instead. At half-time, Viola explains the situation to Sebastian and they switch places again. However, before they get the chance to finish what they started, an army of intergalactic alien mercenaries melt the entire team in a cataclysmic error of mistaken identity. Not really, but that’s how it should have ended. Actually, that’s how it should have started. So Amanda Bynes isn’t without charm and by the film I almost warmed to her. Everyone involved has done better, apart from maybe director Andy Fickman and of course Vinnie Jones – whose career in Hollywood still puzzles me to this day. Go read some Shakespeare or try on some of your mothers dresses instead, it would be a far greater use of your time.

Race to Witch Mountain

Dir: Andy Fickman

2009

*

Race to Witch Mountain is neither a misspelt question nor a film about Witches and the mountain in question is more like a big hill. Race to Witch Mountain is actually a remake/reboot/continuation (whatever you want to call it) of a short-lived series of films from the 1970s. The original 1975 film Escape to Witch Mountain was based on Alexander H. Key's children's sci-fi novel of the same name. It was a fun and colourful kids film, typical of the sort of thing Disney were making in the 70's that has somewhat of a cult following. Indeed it was Disney's most successful live-action film at the time and two sequels followed; Return From Witch Mountain and the made for TV special Beyond Witch Mountain. Andy Fickman's 2009 version is an adaptation of the 1975 film which was quite different from the novel. In short, the 2009 version is fairly bastardized. What I always loved about the 1975 version was that the two children in the story didn't know who or what they were, it was a mystery. In 2009 they know. Another reason the 75 film was loved was because of the late great Eddie Albert. Albert plays Jason, a crotchety widower who is eventually won over and who helps the children get to Witch Mountain in his Winnebago. He's a lovable character from many people's childhoods. Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson's ex-mob getaway driver turned cabbie isn't quite as charming. There is no character development, no intrigue, mystery or suspense. The action is substandard and the script is moronic. The original's sequels weren't great but they're masterpieces compared. Everything that was intended wasn't achieved, it was a case of seen it before and didn't like it then either. It's as cheap as the movies get.

Parental Guidance
Dir: Andy Fickman
2012
***
Parental Guidance is surprisingly not crap. The only way I can describe it is that it's essentially an 80's film made in 2012. It is honestly a joy to see Billy Crystal and Bette Midler acting together in these roles, just when you think you can see a cliche coming, it diverts and turns into something different. Sure, there are elements that we've all seen before but it does it differently, instantly feeling like it is something fresh. All that seems schmaltzy preaching actually turns out to be valid advice, things get over the top but come right back down to earth but without the bump. I liked it anyway and so will your Mum no doubt.