All Through the House
Dir: Todd Nunes
2015
*
All Through The House was sold to me by other Christmas horror fans as being one of the best. Now, while it is true the horror sub-genre isn’t known for its masterpieces, I think calling Todd Nunes anything other than a horrible waste of time is an exaggeration. However, to date, it has won the following awards: Best Artwork & Design, Action on Film International Film Festival, Los Angeles, CA (2016); 2nd Place, Best Horror Film, Action on Film International Film Festival, Los Angeles, CA (2016); 2nd Place, Best Actress (Ashley Mary Nunes), Action on Film International Film Festival, Los Angeles, CA; Best Supporting Actress (Feature), Genre Blast Film Festival, Culpepper, VA (2016; Best Director, Hardcore Horror Fest, Chicago, IL (2016); Best Actress, Hardcore Horror Fest, Chicago, IL (2016); Official Nomination, “Top Ten”, Online, The Golden Rake Award for Indie Horror (2016); Best Slasher Award, RIP Horror Film Festival, Hollywood, CA (2015); Audience Choice Award, RIP Horror Film Festival, Hollywood, CA (2015); Best Editing Award, RIP Horror Film Festival, Hollywood, CA (2015) and Best Local Feature Award, SFindie's “Another Hole in the Head” Phenomenal Film Festival, San Francisco, CA (2015). When just one person, other than Todd Nunes, thinks that All Through The House is worth more than a minute of one’s attention, then I have to declare end of days my friends. It is the biggest mess I have ever seen. Okay, so it features a serial killer in a Santa outfit – I have no problem with that – but everything else is about as stupid and amateur as it gets. It just another horror film for heavy metal idiots who think mixing nudity and murder is cool. I’m no Mary Whitehouse, but I find the fact that the film switches from sex scene to brutal murder every five minutes fairly disturbing. Why does our evil Santa collect dicks? The humour will appeal to the dregs of society and even though I have a lot of respect for old school gore, there was nothing here that excited me. The story revolves around a Christmas-obsessed neighborhood that becomes engulfed in fear when five-year-old Jamie Garrett mysteriously vanishes from her home. Citing various different explanations ranging from Krampus to kidnapping, the adult denizens of the district begin to treat the young girl's mother and her home as the stuff of spooky, holiday-themed legend when the missing girl’s house goes dark as her mother becomes a depressed recluse. The local children, mesmerized by the seemingly-haunted story, trade bedtime fears about their missing friend, eventually turning the tragedy into an innocuous fairytale. Fifteen years later, Rachel Kimmel, a 22-year-old student, comes home for Christmas. The offbeat and slightly-creepy Mrs. Garrett invites Rachel to her home as she finally emerges from her self-imposed exile, determined to make this Christmas a jovial one to be remembered, which brings Rachel’s memories of the missing girl rushing back to her. All the while, the same neighborhood is being terrorized by a faceless killer dressed in a Santa suit and mask who stalks the wintery streets- slaughtering women and castrating men. Rachel and her two best friends soon find themselves trapped in a gristly nightmare, fighting for their lives as the Santa killer's obsession zeroes in on them as well as Mrs. Garrett and her festively-decorated home. After various encounters with the Santa killer that leave a trail of even more dead bodies behind, Rachel finally uncovers the madness behind the Santa mask and the truth behind the mysteries of the neighborhood's past. The killer’s twisted revelation sends Rachel into shock as she learns that she isn’t who she thought she was and the killer is her half-brother. Wow. The film rips off both Halloween and Star Wars in one big disappointing conclusion. I wasn’t that disappointed though to be honest, just uninterested and glad it was over. Any film festival that nominates any of the actors for an award for their acting skills is basically admitting their pointlessness and lack of knowledge. Even if this was the only film in existence I couldn’t nominate it for a film award. It still amazes me how ridiculous many of the decisions horror film writer/directors still make, when the ingredients to make a good horror are actually quite simple. If you want realism then you need good actors and a good script, and if you want it to be a tongue-in-cheek comedy horror then you need to be funny and a little quirky. You can’t do both. Sometimes a killer Santa is all you need. There isn’t always need for a back-story when the mystery can be just as terrifying. If you want to make a fun slasher then just do so without turning it into a soap-opera porno. Also, when a Christmas film can’t even be bothered to try and hide the fact it was filmed in July then I don’t see why the audience should be bothered to watch it. There’s amateur and then there’s unforgivably awful.