Love the Coopers (AKA Christmas With The Coopers)

Dir: Jessie Nelson

2015

*

Every year sees hundreds of awful made-for-TV Christmas films that were all either clearly made in the summer, involve Dean Cain and puppies or revolve around an already established theme but with an added Christmas tree. It usually features all three. I actually like Dean Cain Christmas films because Dean Cain is a legend but the rest can go to hell. However, every so often there comes along a Christmas film with a fairly impressive cast with some money spent on it and I become excited. Surely big name actors and loads of studio money equals a great movie right? Wrong, in fact it is hardly ever the case. Love the Coopers (titled Christmas with the Coopers in the UK) is one of the best examples of one of the worst examples. Many people suffer during the festive holidays, whether it be poverty, loneliness or depression and Samaritan charities are busier than at any other point in the year. Suicide rates sore and it is becoming more and more of a problem. So, watching a film about people who have everything anyone could wish for complain that they don’t have enough at this time of the year, makes for unwelcome viewing. I don’t mind a melancholy Christmas film as long as it deals with real issues but this self-obsessed and unconvincing mulch isn’t good for anyone. My parents – who eat food that is years out of date and still think Mr Bean is funny - like it and that pretty much says it all. Sam and Charlotte (played by John Goodman and Diane Keaton) declare they are divorcing after forty years of marriage following one half-argument. It is never convincing and, surprise surprise, they don’t. Charlotte convinces Sam to wait until after their grown children (Hank and Eleanor), grandchildren (Hank's kids Charlie, Bo and Madison), Charlotte's father and sister (Bucky and Emma) and Sam's aunt (Fishy) have enjoyed one last "perfect Christmas" before announcing the planned divorce. As scenes shift back and forth across the Cooper family members, their memories also briefly appear on screen as younger versions of themselves. Hank (Ed Helms), already struggling through his recent divorce from Angie, loses his job as a family holiday photographer when replaced by a machine. Neither job or machine actually exist in the real world, unless he is freelance, in which case you don’t lose jobs, they just last for a certain amount of time. Eleanor (Olivia Wilde) has flown in but stays in an airport bar rather than going straight to her parent's house. She meets Joe (Jake Lacy), a soldier snowed in for at least another day at the airport. Talking about their different points of views and stances on relationships. Their conversation made me want to squirt washing up liquid in my eyes to take away the pain. Eleanor reveals that she is secretly dating a commitment-free married man. She hates how her parents judge her for not being in a relationship (they don’t), so she convinces Joe to pretend to be her boyfriend at the family dinner, totally ignoring where Joe was actually going in all of this. Bucky (Alan Arkin) is a regular at a local diner, where he has befriended Ruby (Amanda Seyfried), a 20-something waitress who is unsettled. They get into a serious argument when he learns that she is leaving town to a random spot on the map, made worse by telling others but being "too cowardly" to tell him. He then apologizes and asks her to join the family dinner. High schooler Charlie drops in on his crush, Lauren, at the holiday store she works - finally making a move and sharing a kiss with her. Emma (Marisa Tomei) is arrested by police officer Percy Williams (Anthony Mackie) after she attempts to steal a piece of jewelry as a gift for Charlotte. In his car, Emma engages him in conversation, and he relents and lets her go, with advice that she buy Charlotte the most expensive thing she can afford. This conversation made me want to bite my own fingers off. Sam and Charlotte continue arguing while preparing dinner. The four generations of Coopers are arriving at the house, along with Joe, Ruby, and Hank's ex-wife, Angie (Alex Borstein). During the dinner, chaos unleashes when Hank and Angie argue about their divorce, which leads to Bo screaming at them to "just stop fighting". There is a momentary power outage, and when it comes back Eleanor is kissing Joe, Emma is drinking everyone's wine, and Ruby screams when she sees that Bucky has collapsed. At the hospital (which is clearly the airport from the earlier scenes involving Eleanor and Joe but with a couple of airport signs up), Hank and Ruby walk beside Bucky's gurney as he is being taken for tests. Ruby kisses Bucky on the lips – confusing but deeply touching Hank. In the waiting room, Charlotte argues with Eleanor when she figures out that she is sleeping with Bucky's physician, Dr. Morrisey, so Eleanor crushes her further by admitting that Joe is just a prop from the airport bar. Just how Eleanor is having an affair with someone in a place she doesn’t live (remember she flew in from elsewhere) is never asked and never answered. Alone with a sleeping Bucky in his room, Charlotte and Emma argue about their broken relationship as sisters. Joe leaves after also realizing Eleanor's affair is with Dr. Morrisey, but she chases after him, and the two share another kiss. Charlie is surprised when Lauren appears in the waiting room, responding to the text he sent her (actually, Bo sent it to "help" him). Hank comforts Ruby as part of their budding relationship. Sam and Charlotte reconcile. Emma, following Officer Percy's advice, buys Charlotte the most expensive thing she can – a shower stool from the hospital's small gift shop. Everyone is happily sharing a "Christmas meal" in the hospital cafeteria, when fortuitous music leads the whole Cooper clan to joyfully dance around the cafeteria. People who haven’t actually met in the film dance together as if they know each other. To make matters worse, it is revealed that the whole film has been narrated by the family's St. Bernard, Rags (voiced by Steve Martin). Rags spends most of the film taking about things dogs could never have an concept of but this doesn’t matter, this film is for the brain-dead and if you aren’t brain-dead before watching, then you will be once you’ve finished. Plot holes, pointless characters, woefully continuity issues, excruciating dialogue, made up nonsense, fake problems and Diane Keaton attempting physical comedy and failing for the hundredth time. I like nothing about this film, although if my dog could talk, I would like it to have Steve Martin’s voice. His happy voice though, not his sad one featured in this horrible film. Humbugs.