Krampus Unleashed

Dir: Robert Conway

2016

*

I’m a sucker for a Christmas horror, especially when Krampus is involved. The poster looked pretty good, just as all posters for crap horror films do. That’s the trick – spend time and money on a brilliant poster and then spend no time or effort in making the actual film. By the time people realise it is a terrible film it’s too late, its made its money back and then some. I don’t watch many horror films these days because of it but I’m glutton for punishment when it comes to festive terror. I expected more of the same rubbish - and it really is more of the same rubbish - but my heart sank further when I saw that it was directed by Robert Conway. Conway was responsible for 2015’s Krampus: The Reckoning, made less than a year before Krampus Unleashed. The best thing I can say about Unleashed is that it is much better than Krampus: The Reckoning, but the I consider the earlier film as being one of the worst movies ever made (but somehow only the second worst Krampus movie ever made). I will ignore the fact that the film had a limited budget – Evil Dead had a limited budget. The story begins well, with a title board explaining things that would have been tricky to film (which usually doesn’t stop horror film directors filming anyway). We see a group of prospectors digging a hole in the middle of the Arizona desert on a tip that there is buried gold there, hidden by the Claus brothers – the best robbers in Germany! They don’t find gold, only a summoning stone, presumably hidden there where no one could find it. They should have dropped it in the sea, then we would have been spared this nonsense. Because said summoning stone had been touched with fire (the clumsy idiots drop it on their gas lamp) is shines a light and awakens Krampus who, probably in complete confusion?, chases after the group and rips their limbs off (rather than ask them where the hell he is). Krampus himself looks a like a cross between a Wookie, one of the older Muppet monsters and when dogs have rolled around in fox crap. He isn’t in the least bit frightening and I’m not sure how he manages to kill so many people considering how slow and easy to out run he is. It might be the only time where I suggest that maybe CGI would have been better, although the last scene featuring what I think was supposed to be a baby Krampus doesn’t help my case. How did Krampus get pregnant and when was Krampus a girl? Anyway, the stone ends up in a river and I guess water – being the opposite of fire – calms his arse down so he can rest again. A hundred years later, a young family (mum, dad, daughter, son) make their way to their grandparents house in the middle of the Arizona desert in order to spend Christmas with them. The other side of the family also arrive but no one really gets on. When out looking for gold in a nearby river, the young son – the only one not distracted by a random stranger with boobs walking past - finds the summoning stone. You can probably guess the rest. I have nothing against formulaic slashers just as long as they are inventive and entertaining but Krampus Unleashed is about as dull as it gets. The whole production feels fleshed out but the ‘good bits’ are never worth wading through the guff. It is full of underdeveloped plot elements and nonsensical character motivations. The dialogue is stilted and often rambling, making very little sense. The characters didn’t feel like real people, just bad actors – which of course is what they are. That said, a couple of the cast members can act, or at least far better than others, so in many of the scenes you’ll have two people standing next to each other – one who looks terrified and the other who looks like they’re looking for the bathroom. The lack of action would have been fine if they had delivered some suspense and if the characters had been developed some but that wasn’t the case. The action, when it finally happens, is basically as scary as a tall person wearing a rubbish outfit can be, that is, not very. This isn’t a Krampus movie. It would have been better to have just made the killer a cannibal hermit or something, rather than everyone’s favorite festive beast. I can’t help but think Krampus is one of the easiest fantasy villains to get right, so why do so many people get him so wrong?