Two Front Teeth

Dir: Jamie Nash, David Thomas Sckrabulis

2006

***

I admit that I wasn’t expecting much from Two Front Teeth but because I don’t expect anything from Christmas horror films in general. Truth is I knew nothing about the film before watching and I’m now glad I didn’t. Don’t misunderstand me, Two Front Teeth is made badly, with terrible acting and zero budget, but its makers understood the golden rule of Christmas horror = never take it too seriously. For me, it is the rule every horror film should remember, unless you really want to make a genuine horror, you should always make it light hearted and ridiculous. I have since discovered that this film is made by horror fans not film makers, so I respect it a little more than I already did and will overlook many of the technical issues. The film follows Gabriel Snow (played by cult-ish hero Johnny Francis Wolf), a slight and unconfident man who works for "The Xmas Files" a tabloid devoted to all things strange about the festive season. Christmas eve comes and Snow discovers his wife Noelle (Megan Pearson) is cheating on him with a mall Santa because he refuses to wear Santa beards for her in bed. If that weren’t enough, Snow and Noelle also find themselves stalked by an evil vampiric Santa and a bunch of leather-clad sex elves. They’re not really sex elves but they look like they could be. It seems Snow upset someone through his investigation into a Yule Tide conspiracy regarding Flight 1225 that was brought down one foggy Christmas Eve, by a flying creature with a "glowing nose". They seek help from Pete, a black John Wayne-like gun-slinging character who lives in a caravan and helps them fight off Clausferatu (vampire Santa) and his sex elves. They then have to fight off the Silent Knights, group of ninja Nuns who have promised a vow of silence and a vow of violence. It has a good balance of horror and humour but is always surreal. Some of the horror is genuine too, even when the film plays with melodrama and animated flashbacks. The writing is actually quite clever and full of more puns than you could ever find inside a Christmas cracker. What I really liked about the script was the whole idea of Christmasphobia. It is a time of the year that many love but it can also be rather annoying – that is, Christmas itself is usually fine, it is Christmas people who are generally tiresome. I loved the Gingerbread Man-shaped GPS transmitter, the demon possessed snowmen and the big Christmas cookie poisoning mystery but what I liked most was the relationship between Snow and his cheating wife, Noelle. The pair are great together, with Snow as a spineless nerd, and Noelle an Elf-kicking badass with anger-issues. Most girls in horror movies of this sort either do nothing or get naked, so it was a relief to find one that did neither and so much more. I do wonder what they could have done with a bigger budget. I picture something that resembles what would happen if the Coen Brothers made a comedy horror. The martial arts choreography, special effects make-up and gore and the cool looking props are all very impressive and the few animated chapters work surprisingly well. It feels like an homage to earlier horror films but I can’t really think of another horror film like it. It is a low-budget labour of love and if you like comedy horror movies, specifically Christmas horror, and if you have a general appreciation of Christmas and passion projects, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy it.