Sextette

Dir: Ken Hughes

1978

*

I had been warned that 1978’s infamous Sextette was a film to avoid at all costs but frankly, a comedy musical directed by Ken ‘Chitty Chitty, Bang Bang’ Huges, starring Mae West, Timothy Dalton, Dom DeLuise, Tony Curtis, Ringo Starr, Keith Moon, George Hamilton, Alice Cooper and Walter Pidgeon was something I wasn’t prepared to miss. It is indeed as awful as everyone says it is but instead of wanting to switch it off, I became utterly transfixed by just how misjudged it all was. It was based on the 1961 play Sextet that West had written and performed herself that in turn was based on a story idea by Charlotte Francis. The adaption was written by legendary TV writer Herbert Baker who had a successful career writing TV shows for Danny Kaye, Fred Astaire, Perry Como, Frank Sinatra, John Denver and Gladys Knight and the Pips, as well as films for Dean Martin, Cary Grant, Jerry Lewis and Elvis Presley. His humour is unmistakable, it just sounds horrible in the context that it is used. On paper is sounds amazing. Legendary Hollywood movie star and sex symbol Marlo Manners (Mae West) is in London where she has just married for the sixth time. She and her new husband, Sir Michael Barrington (Timothy Dalton), then depart for a honeymoon suite at a posh and exclusive hotel that has been reserved for them by her flamboyant manager, Dan Turner (Dom DeLuise). It just so happens that the hotel is also the location of an international conference, where leaders have come together to resolve tensions and problems that threaten the survival of the world. As the chairman, Mr. Chambers (Walter Pidgeon) is trying to call the meeting to order, the delegates are crowding to the windows in an effort to catch a glimpse of Marlo when she arrives. As they enter the lobby, Marlo, now Lady Barrington, and her husband, a knight, are swarmed by admirers and reporters. When asked, "Do you get a lot of proposals from your male fans?" she quips, "Yeah, and what they propose is nobody’s business." Once inside their suite, the couple are unable to go to bed and have sex because of constant interruptions due to the demands of her career, such as interviews, dress fittings (by a rather over the top and camp as hell Keith Moon) and photo sessions, as well as the various men, including some former husbands, diplomat Alexei Andreyev Karansky (Tony Curtis), director Laslo Karolny (Ringo Starr), gangster Vance Norton (George Hamilton), and an entire athletic team from the U.S., all of whom want to have sex with her. Meanwhile, Turner desperately searches for an audiotape containing his client's memoirs, in order to destroy it. Marlo has recorded extensive details about her affairs and scandals, with a lot of dirt about her husbands and lovers. Ex-husband Alexei, who is the Russian delegate at the conference, threatens to derail the intense negotiations unless he can have another sexual encounter with her. Marlo is expected to work "undercover" to ensure world peace but in the end her new husband has enough and vanishes, leaving her alone with only Alice Cooper and a transparent piano for company. She soon sees the error of her ways and goes to her new husband who has sought solitude on his luxury yachted. She sneaks aboard and he finds her in bed waiting for him, at last, James Bond and his 85 years old wife are alone. It’s pretty grim stuff. West, who was indeed 85 years old at the time couldn’t hear anything, could barely move (apart from constantly wiggling) and didn’t look as if she really knew what was going on. Her lines are particularly blue and distasteful, even by 1978’s standards. A once adored sex symbol, West kind of disgraces herself, appealing only to lovers of the ultra-camp and the god-awful. It’s not quite in the realms of ‘so bad its good’, it’s more like ‘car crash’ viewing: you know you shouldn’t watch but you just can’t help yourself. It’s a stunning cast but you do have to wonder what on earth made them agree to be part of it. I suspect it was West herself, she was a legend – still is – so I imagine it was a privilege for Curtis, Hamilton and Dalton, a dream come true for DeLuise and a bit of a laugh for Starr and Moon. All three for Alice Cooper. The film was a huge box office failure, thanks to its poor production, flat musical numbers and unfortunate script. It was funny, but for all the wrong reasons. However, everyone involved remained loyal and kind about West. There were several rumors about surrounding her behaviour, one such persistent rumor is that Mae West could not remember any of her lines and had to wear a concealed earpiece under her wig to have her lines fed to her. Tony Curtis later commented that West could not hear well, and thus required the earpiece. In reality, West wore an earpiece so director Ken Hughes could feed her lines. Hughes had rewritten most of the dialogue because he and West both felt the script was weak. As a result, West had no time to study the script to memorize her lines. Hughes has repeatedly debunked the urban legend that West's earpiece picked up police signals and that West repeated them. Ken Hughes did later state that with hearing loss, West was unable to take direction, which caused problems in filming. Hughes recalls one incident involving a scene of West in an elevator which took an entire day to film. After the scene was finished, Hughes wrapped production for the day. West was not within hearing range to hear Hughes' call to wrap and remained in the closed elevator for half an hour before being let out. Timothy Dalton has always politely stated that it was a privilege to be part of it and everyone else involve has either stayed silent or have praised West (even though Dalton was second choice behind Arnold Schwarzenegger who passed on the opportunity). However, years later Alice Cooper admitted that Mae West had sexually propositioned him and each of the film's other leading men throughout the filming, breaking the strange protective code the cast seem to have silently agreed on. Variety dubbed it "a cruel, unnecessary and mostly unfunny musical comedy.” The New York Times called it "embarrassing", and that "Granny should have her mouth washed out with soap, along with her teeth." The opening nights were greeted by thousands of West fans who showed up to see the legend but the film was eventually pulled from cinemas after it made only $50,000 on a $8 Million budget. Ouch. If someone were to write a musical based on the making of the film they would probably make a fortune but the film itself is about as bad as it gets and remains one of the most puzzling choices a group of film makers have ever made in the history of cinema.