Ocean's Twelve
Dir: Steven Soderbergh
2004
*
Sequels that are as good or better than the original are hard to come by and sequels that are a disappointing follow up are a dime a dozen. And then there’s Ocean’s Twelve. I would go as far as saying that Ocean’s Twelve is, by far, the worst sequel ever made. Ocean’s Eleven was fine, no masterpiece but entertaining and likable. Ocean’s Twelve however is a cartoon, an overcooked comedy sketch that lampoons the original film and gets lost in a delusion of grandeur. It’s a love-in for the original actors, a public show of self-congratulation and a reunion show for a bunch of show-offs. I like the actors but this film was a horrible show of celebrity, rather than a cool as a cucumber heist movie. It commits possibly the worst crime any film of its kind can commit and then somehow makes it worse. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Vincent Cassel are the big names that are added to the cast, with Eddie Izzard, Jeroen Krabbé, Cherry Jones and Robbie Coltrane making smaller cameo performances. The first film ended so well, the follow up had to give good reason as to why the eleven would want/have to pull off another huge heist. I’m not sure it did that. Terry Benedict knows it was Danny Ocean who stole his money and he locates all eleven members of his gang, demanding they return the $160 million they stole from his casinos plus $38 million interest. Short by half (they all spent their money on elaborate rubbish), the group schemes to stage another heist in Europe to avoid problems with United States authorities. They are tipped off by an informant named Matsui (Coltrane) about the location of the first stock certificate ever. After a complex series of schemes they find the document has already been stolen by "The Night Fox" (Cassel), another master thief. Europol Detective Isabel Lahiri (Zeta-Jones) is called in to investigate the theft and realizes that she gave Rusty the idea of how to solve a complication of the heist with a description of a similar burglary earlier during their relationship. Surprising the group at their accommodation, she warns them they cannot beat the Night Fox or his mentor, the mysterious master-thief "LeMarc", both of whom excel in practicing the "long-con". She has been hunting both for years. Danny and his gang discover the Night Fox is François Toulour, a wealthy baron who has a mansion on Lake Como. Toulour invites Danny to his mansion and reveals that he had hired Matsui to inform the gang about the certificate in order to arrange the meeting with Danny. Toulour is upset that LeMarc did not describe him as the best thief in the world, and challenges Danny to steal the Fabergé Imperial Coronation Egg. If Danny and his gang win, Toulour will pay off the debt to Benedict. Danny and his gang begin to plan an elaborate heist to swap the egg for a holographic recreation, but the engineer hired by the group accidentally tips off Lahiri to their presence and she captures most of the gang on their first attempt. So far the film has been okay, nothing special but you feel it is building towards something. And then it happens. Linus comes up with the horrible plan involving Danny's wife, Tess (Julia Roberts), posing as a pregnant Julia Roberts in order to get close to the Egg and swap it. The actors all start agreeing that she does indeed look like Roberts, have always thought so, but never wanted to mention it. They are foiled by Lahiri and a coincidentally present Bruce Willis who is friends with Roberts in real life, and the rest of the group are captured. Willis was supposed to be in the first film and was upset that he couldn’t be in it, so Steven Soderbergh wrote a cameo especially for him. It’s possibly the worst bit of writing of all time. Actors playing themselves in a film alongside other actors who are playing characters is awful anyway but to then have a well known actor pretend to themselves because they ‘look like them’ is ridiculous and moronic and if Steven Soderbergh honestly think its okay, he has little respect for his audience. Lahiri is told that they are all to be extradited to the United States. Linus is chosen first to be interrogated by the FBI agent assigned to collect them. It turns out that she is his mother, who organizes the release of the whole gang. She points out to Lahiri that Lahiri will face only retribution for forging a signature on a Europol form to obtain the necessary arrest warrants for Ocean's gang. Some time later, Danny and Tess return to Toulour's estate where he reveals his glee at their failure. Toulour claims to have stolen the egg at night using his agility and dancing skills to evade the heavy security. The scene is meant to be funny but it is not. Toulour's celebration is short-lived when Danny reveals that his group stole the egg while it was in transit to the museum and Toulour realizes they were tipped off by LeMarc. A lazy flashback reveals that Danny and Rusty had met LeMarc earlier when he revealed his confidence trick intended to humiliate Toulour, and at the same time, to restore to himself the Fabergé egg that he had stolen years ago and had returned following his wife's wishes. Toulour is forced to admit Danny won the bet and gives him the money for the debt. They pay back Benedict and promise not to perform any more heists in his casinos, even as Toulour himself is in the background spying on Benedict. Rusty takes Lahiri to a safe house that he claims has been lent to him by LeMarc. She is reunited with her father, who is revealed to be the man she has been pursuing for years: LeMarc (played by Albert Finney, in the most pointless cameo appearance of all time. I hope he was paid well). The story is based on George Nolfi’s treatment titled ‘Honor Among Thieves’ – a neat idea, ruined by Soderbergh who pretty much stole it from John Woo. The whole thing is so self-satisfied it forgot that the audience aren’t idiots. When its not lazy it is stupid. A horrible waste of viewing time.