Titanic II
Dir: Shane Van Dyke
2010
*
Titanic II is a shameless cash in on the 1997 film and the fairly dark obsession people have with the doomed ship. It is made by The Asylum, so of course its shameless, but I would argue it's no less insensitive than James Cameron's offering. I'm going to concentrate on what I liked about the film (it won't take long). Firstly,  the overall idea may well be impossible and based on sudo-science but it doesn't seem ridiculous, an exaggerated possibility maybe but not outrageously fantastical. Secondly, the acting isn't all terrible. Bruce Davison is actually quite convincing, as are Brooke Burns and Myles Cranford (although without wanting to sound rude, you would expect a high ranking officer to have better teeth). The Asylum seem to cast really good actors and the very worst they can get their hands with no one average in the middle. Anyway, you don't go into a film called Titanic II and think it's going to be anything other than gloriously awful and it truly is. We're told frequently throughout the film that the ship is an exact replica of the original Titanic and that all modifications are out of sight. So it's a bit odd when we see actors walking around what looks like a very tired old (but modern to 1900's standards) shopping centre. We also see people running around rusty corridors and the deck has discoloured and chipped paintwork all over the place. The captain's deck looks like an office, probably because it is an office and we are lead to believe that the vending machine (with all chocolate and cold drinks removed) is in fact the ships central computer. That said, the vending machine is far more convincing than any of the extras. It is the extras and the constant focus on them to fill screen time that is the worst of the films problems. They look like what they are; the mates (and family) of the director, who is as it happens, the Grandson of the great Dick Van Dyke. The dancing penguins of Mary Poppins look more realistic and are better actors than anything in this film, maybe he should have had a word but I'm all for people standing on their own feet but sadly Shane Van Dyke's are made of wood. I'm well aware that describing a directors feet as being made of wood is a ridiculous thing to do and is a poor critic of a film but after sitting through Titanic II I'm afraid I no longer care about anything, my brain has gone to mush and has walked the plank. Save yourselves, don't let curiosity win this one, stay on dry land, read a book instead, swab the poop deck, anything, woman and children first, sail at your own peril!